Daughter of the King, Mom, Chelsea: learning how to be myself as a parent

I love being a mom and sharing all the cuddles and laughs and firsts. It is a gift. However, not all the moments feel like bliss.

Motherhood felt like it hijacked me in ways. I lost who I was, new pieces of me emerged, and I felt close to God in ways and so far from him in others.

Some emotions I hardly experienced before became prevalent, and I felt myself spinning. I was angry, overwhelmed and irritable. I wanted to be peaceful, close to God and full of joy. I was trying so hard to feel God in these moments that were supposed to be beautiful: the many firsts, the cute laughs. In some of them I knew without a doubt God was there, and in others I struggled to connect to him.

Have you had seasons in your life like this? Ones that throw you into a spin? Lean in close and let me whisper to you that we all have them, and God is inviting us into a deep knowing of him through these experiences. Let’s lean into what he has for us together. 

As I send my girls to preschool this year, I find myself leaning into a learning journey as well. I’m continuing to learn how to connect with God in this season of motherhood when they grow so fast. I’m learning how to spend intentional time with him, as well as how to be connected to him throughout the day. I’m learning how to be myself inside my house and outside, and how to let God’s gifts flow through me to my girls and to my community. I am beginning to see God in the daily things of motherhood — in the dishes, in the firsts, in the laughs. I am learning that I am me, I have grown by the things life has brought, and I will continue to grow. I do feel close to God and distant at times. I feel myself and not myself.

I am learning to see God in all the things, to see his good gifts. This learning is taking place by practicing the Prayer of Examen and noticing God in my feelings, my thoughts and the events of the day. This learning is taking place as I take my gifts in spiritual direction and yoga and use them to create experiences for my girls. I help other women slow down and listen to their bodies and God — how can I teach my girls to do the same? How can I practice doing the same? There are fun kids’ yoga cards and dice; we play with those and talk about how it feels in our bodies. We take deep breaths and discuss that. I am learning to be who God created me to be in all places. To parent how he has made me. To be in a loving relationship with God, this is where I feel myself. This is where I am growing. 

As I reflect on this journey of learning in motherhood, I wonder, where do you feel most yourself? Least yourself? What might God be inviting you to in that? 

I find myself grateful that God is always inviting us into deep places with him, that nothing is not used for his purposes. I am grateful he allows us to learn and grow. I am grateful for his love that meets us right where we are.